In attempting to reach my goal of participating in a 5K run I have been fighting a voice in my head. This voice starts when I’m in bed, attempting to convince me that I will be in a world of hurt if I pursue my daily exercise goals. I fight the voice when I choose to get in my exercise clothes. I fight the voice in my car driving to the walking track.
My breathing becomes labored as I jog. The voice, sensing weakness, begs me to stop. At this point it is much easier to ignore. It seems to know when to cut its losses and quiet down, dormant in defeat; a spoiled child waiting for the next opportunity to oppress. And it has been oppressive. My body is a testament that I have followed the voice’s bidding far more often than I have resisted it.
It’s not just painful stuff that summons the voice. It comes to life when I am engaged in social activity as well. The voice reminds me how tired I am. It paints a picture of how nice it would be to spend time at home. I could relax. It encourages me away from activities that would benefit me.
The voice proudly proclaims that I am unworthy, and undeserving. When I feel confident, it reminds me of all the reasons why I shouldn’t feel that way. From its vantage point, the voice assures me that I will never measure up, and beats down any effort to better myself. It encourages indulgence and discourages initiative.
I don’t know where this voice comes from? But I do know the voice is not my friend. It is a sniper, patiently waiting to pick off a positive thought or action.
The ancient Hebrews had a word for a being that obstructed, opposed, and accused. They referred to this being as “The Satan.” It could mean the name of a specific person, but most often referred to a title for any entity that behaved in a certain way.
My voice behaves that way. It obstructs. It opposes. It accuses. It doesn’t affirm my life, it’s intent on destroying it.
Voice, you obstruct, oppose and accuse me. I declare you “The Satan”. And to follow the path of affirmation in my life I must say; “Get away from me, Satan! You are a trap to me. (Mt.16:24)
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November 16, 2010 at 4:06 pm
Adam S
Is the voice but only a whisper or how loud is it? Do the voices talk all at once, thus creating confusion?
Do you think the voices will give up over time if you ignore them enough and do your running thing anyway? Do you think that new voices–posititve ones–can eventually take the old ones place? Do you listen to music when you jog to help drown out the voices?
November 17, 2010 at 4:49 pm
jimcook24
I was debating whether I would bring in other interpretations of what the voice is. Freud’s concepts of ID could definitely have a voice pushing us towards pleasure and away from pain. I was also thinking about RET and the voice of irrational fallacies. But it doesn’t address the critical voice, the one that is so disapproving of my self.
As far as how many voices, my experience says it is just one. Years ago working with someone struggling with depression, they identified the critical voice in a variety of locations as they continued to uncover unhealthy aspects of their thinking. It was one voice, embedded throughout the psyche, and it was harshly and insidiously critical of that person.
I don’t believe the voice ever leaves. I am able to turn down the volume and which makes it easier to deal with. I also think that finding phrases that point out mistruths that are being promulgated and refutes them, causes the voice to back away. My experience of the voice is that it doesn’t thrive in open confrontation, but continues to quietly disaffirm my self. Direct confrontation makes it back away.
November 17, 2010 at 8:28 am
Greg
Know that you are not alone in your journey. Many of us wheel and deal with this voice multiple times a day. It goes beyond food as well. Social situations, work situations, and home. That voice would prefer you just sit in a dark corner and never have to make a decision, lift another finger, or think about anything…
Starting is the hardest part. Know that now that you’ve made the decision, your on the downhill slope.
November 18, 2010 at 12:00 am
jimcook24
Thanks for the support. It is always nice to know that we don’t do life alone.
What I liked about the post was that I could focus on an element within myself and label it as an entity, clarifying its goals. I believe that heaven and hell reside within us, as much as they are places outside of us. I think that titling the voice “Satan” reinforces the idea that there are forces within me that either affirm me, or disaffirm me, regardless of its origin.
November 17, 2010 at 8:37 am
Adam S
Amen!
November 29, 2010 at 11:35 pm
g.whidden
Its the worm. The bible refers to this as the worm. It is real and is not your friend you are correct about that.